I gave you these socks 2 years ago for Christmas. Don’t know how I ended up with them, but wearing them makes me feel close to you.
You didn’t call me.
I have your christmas list all planned out.
I guess you’d be at your folks for the holidays.
So I’m just going to drive it all up to you and wait for you to get home.
2 days.
Nothing?
Not a damn thing?
Really?
You know, last time you spoke with me, you made all sorts of promises.
Like going back that saturday, then you stopped talking to me.
Why do you do this?
You always set me up to believe everythings ok, to then bring the world down.
I dont believe you when you say you don’t do it on purpose.
You can be so terribly cruel, so I believe you do this out of spite.
One of your favourite ways to behave. Out of spite.
My lease is up in over a month.
Am I coming home?
Will you just for once stick to what you say you are going to do?
Instead of being scared of this or doubtful of that.
I hate that when I last talked to you I said I was coming up.
You told me not to punish you.
Seeing me is punishing you?
Then you told me “You think I am enjoying myself?”
Well, yes. Because you don’t talk to me like you said you would.
You didnt keep in contact, like you said you would.
You didnt give me all the things that I WANTED like you said you would.
I WANTED you to tell me that you wanted me. Loved me. Needed me.
I KEPT telling you that. You kept CHOOSING to ignore me.
Then you wonder why. I cannot keep repeating myself if you refuse to listen the first time, second or third time I speak.
I wonder if you even read this thing anymore…
And I guess if I don’t hear from you, which I’m guessing I wont.
I’ll be at the/our place, in the town where our life was amazing. The place you told me you wanted to give me everything and make me happy.
I’m assuming the park will be cold and empty, except for the geese.
I’d imaging you’ll be at your family’s house. Complaining how horrible I am.
That double edged sword of yours. So convenient.
Theres only your side of the story, only your emotions and feelings.
And thats it.
I hope someday soon, you open your eyes.
Four more days.
I guess you have completely pushed me out.
Should’ve seen that coming when you emotionally pushed me away only after 6 months of marriage.
Still cant get over how you said I was never the one trying.
I never made digs at you while you were sick.
Nor gave shitty quips to make you feel less than a person.
Never made you doubt yourself.
Never told you you’d be a bad parent.
Never hit you when you asked to go to the hospital.
Never told you our first year anni didn’t mean anything.
But I see how it’s so much easier to blame me for everything and walk away guilt free.
Just like my family and friends.
Instead of eating shit like I do, sucking it up and taking responsibility for your share. Then trying to work through.
And I love how you said we’d try. Then you never gave me a chance.
But still all my fault, right?
Remember
When our 6 month anni was the weekend after our first thanksgiving together? And we went out and bought our first tree?
I
Miss you.
Believe what you want, because you always have and never wanted to listen to what I had to say.
7 days.
One week, seven days……
I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. I’m assuming you’re thankful I’m out of your life.
At least with radio silence for so long, that’s all I am left to imagine.
I wish we were all together to celebrate. And I was baking my butt off for you.
I wanted to make cookies the other day and thought of you always being there next to the oven, ready to pounce.
Couldn’t bring myself to bake them.
I’ll be alone, home, in my pjs.
Eating mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Wishing you would walk through the door and ask me to come with you.
Talk about wishful thinking eh?
You do know you have the spare set of keys right? And every night I come in, I hope to find you there. Telling me you want me.
You were never do that though…
